Is this really God’s plan for my life?
I have lost track how many times I have asked myself this question. But, for me, it is a constant worry/fear/whatever you want to call it, that I am not living up to God’s plan for my life.
I know, when I was growing up, the age old question of “what do you want to be when you grow up?” is a question I still don’t have the answer to. And honestly, I’m growing older. I really question the whole growing up thing. Because, what fun would that be?
Some days, I feel like God is hitting me over the head with a brick, showing me what he wants me to do. Other days, I feel so completely lost, and the silence that I feel is deafening. Maybe that silence is the answer I really needed to begin with.
I remember the first time I really felt God calling me to work with kids. I was in church. And they made an announcement about needing more volunteers to help with the Wednesday night youth program. And I felt God tapping me on the shoulder saying “this is for you.”
And then I started working with the kiddos. And I went back to God, and asked if He was really, really sure about this whole me working with kids thing, because, have you SEEN these kids? Do you see what it’s like working with them? The attitudes, and the challenges, and let’s just be real honest, the downright insanity of it all?
I pouted over God’s response to me. Because He told me “yes”. That’s really where I needed to be. He knows the challenges these kids are facing. And I can help.
Ok. I get it.
But do these kids really need to suck every last ounce of sanity that I have left?
So here I am, again, trying to figure out what God’s plan for my life is. Sometimes, a thought runs through my head, and I’m all like, I should write about that. And then I don’t, because the thoughts never, truly seem to form completely. But if there is a gift, or talent that I have, beyond anything else that is truly God given, I feel like it is writing. But what, exactly, does God want me to say?
Of course, there is a lot of fear. Fear of writing the wrong thing, or saying the wrong thing, or *gasp* offending someone. Plus, the undeniable brain burnout I often feel. Like, my brain just won’t shut off, and the extreme mental exhaustion that is, let’s just be honest, probably more of an excuse than anything else.
Ok, excuses need to be set aside. Because this is the thing that I want to do. Yes, there is fear. A huge amount of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of no one reading what I write. Fear of people reading what I write and absolutely hating it. Or the huge fear of writing the wrong thing. All of these things keep running through my head.
But then there is just something else in running through the back of my head that reminds me that if I don’t write, my dreams will never come through. But also, if I don’t write, my dreams also won’t get rejected. And there is a huge difference there. See, if I don’t make an attempt, then the possibility of that dream coming true is still out there. Still a possibility. But if I try, and I put myself out there, it is totally possible that God is going to tell me “sorry kiddo, this one isn’t for you.”
But see, here’s the thing that I have been struggling with. Trying to take that control away from God. It isn’t because I don’t believe that God’s plan is perfect. It isn’t because I don’t trust God. With, what I will honestly say, is most of my heart, I put my faith in God, and his perfect plan for my life.
Yes, I said most of my heart. Because I am human. I fully admit that I have zero knowledge of what God’s plan for my life is supposed to be. I pray for guidance on that particular matter every single day. And I still don’t have an answer.
Oh, but guess what. I know why God hasn’t shared the answer with me. It’s because I don’t need to know. I need to fall back into that trust that I have with God. And just let His plan for my life happen.
There is a quote, somewhere out there on the interwebz, about letting go of the life you thought you were going to live, and start enjoying the life you actually are living.
Though I haven’t ever really been able to answer the question of what I want to be when I grow up, I did have big ideas for what I thought my life should be like. And sometimes I still do have those ideas.
And sometimes those things not happening in my life makes me a little grumpy. For example, I’m not married. Not even close to being married. Ridiculously, often painfully, single. It isn’t that I don’t want to be not single. I’m just not there, yet. And I’m adding in the yet as a note of optimism. A friend once told me that God wouldn’t have put that desire in my heart, if He didn’t have it in His plan for your life. And I do truly believe that. Those things that I want to happen, I truly believe that if somewhere along the line, God didn’t want those things to happen in my life, that I would be ok with being a spinster.
And I struggle with that notion a lot. Because what if God is testing my faithfulness, and that in order for other parts of the plan to fall into place, what if that one thing isn’t meant to be.
That thought terrifies me.
But at the same time, it should give me comfort. Because God’s plan is perfect. Totally. Completely. Perfection.
So back to this whole what am I supposed to write thing? Well, I will say this. Over the years, God has given me quite a lot of things to write about. And I always feel like God has allowed those things to happen in my life because I’m strong enough (even though I don’t always feel like it) to survive. And that if I don’t use those things in my life to help others, then I have wasted those events in my life.
So…here we go.
If you are reading this, and have survived, what is probably a very stream of conscious writing selection, I applaud you. Also, if you have any advice, pass it along. But if you can’t be nice about it, please rethink your course of action.
I have absolutely no idea what the next step is going to be. But I’m trusting God to open the next door for me.