Disclaimer: I am trying desperately not to have a pity party.
Disclaimer, the second: I am not referring to Dwayne Johnson.
The logical and pragmatic side of my brain is telling me I am fine. The human, emotional, side of my brain is grumpy. Why, might you ask? Well…let me tell you.
I am trying to give up on any preconceived notions I have for my life. Letting go of the plans that I have made for my life, and focusing, or at least trying to, on God’s plan for my life.
And I’m grumpy about it, currently.
Because I feel like I’m what one of my students have called me: a loser.
And maybe not even necessarily a loser, just that I don’t have much of a life. I come to work, I try to kick booty and be awesome. Then I go home, and I hang out with my dog. I eat dinner. Watch TV. And go to bed. And if I talk to anyone outside of school, most of the time it’s my parents.
And I’m not even saying that any of the things that I do are bad. Because I’m not. I am comfortable enough with myself (now) to spend time alone with myself. It took some time to get to that place, but I’m there. I can do things by myself, for myself.
But as I was getting ready this morning, I was thinking about my life, and I have to ask…is this it? Is this all there is ever going to be?
So, moving back to the logical side of my brain, and knowing God as I do…I KNOW that if this is what God has planned for my life, I KNOW that He is going to give me the strength to get through it, and survive, and hopefully be happy. I get that.
But right now, I’m not happy about it. I’m grumpy.
I’m at that place, and let’s be real honest, I have been there for a long time, where all of my friends are married. And now they have children. And those children are growing up.
And then, off to the sidelines is me. Cheering them on. And able to cheer them on from a place that is pure and honest with my absolute joy for their lives.
But at the same time, feeling left out.
Maybe moving past this feeling is just part of the process that I need to go through. A process of grief, you might say.
So that’s where I’m at right now. Stuck between God’s plan for my life. And being grumpy about it.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll have a brighter outlook.